A Mother's Curse

Okay, so maybe it isn't a curse for all mothers.  I can't speak for everyone, so maybe I should change the title of this post to "This Mother's Curse."  (Though I am sure there plenty of parents out there who are feeling, have felt, or will feel exactly what I a going through right now.)

Over the weekend I got onto the career website for the company I used to work for, mostly to see who has left the bank by what positions are open.  It's interesting to keep up with them that way.  While on the career page, I noticed they had a position open that is right up my alley: in the Human Resources department.  I have always wanted to work in HR.  That was a position I pined for while I was still working, and it was one that I had in mind all through the completion of  my business degree.

I read through the job description, hours and days required, and location.  The job requires a commute to Boise 4 days a week, with a three day weekend.  Not half bad, right?  After reading through it I closed my computer thinking, well, if it was three or four years down the line, I would apply in a heart-beat. The timing is just not right.

Now fast-forward the next thirty-six hours of my life, and I have been obsessing over that open position.  How can I pass up this opportunity?  I really loved the company I worked for - I didn't leave because I didn't like them, I left to stay home with my kids while they're young.  I've been home a year now.  What do I do??  The position is calling my name!

So, I started weighing all the pros and cons of returning back to work.  It would essentially be an eleven hour day, leaving home early to drop the kids off at daycare, and not returning until probably six in the evening after fighting rush-hour traffic.  Would the kids miss me that much?  Do I want to work four full days a week right now?  What about quitting to be a stay-at-home mom?   Didn't I make that commitment when I quit in the first place?

I consider myself very blessed to be in a position where I have the power to choose. I know plenty of families that don't have that option.  One-income families can be very difficult, with a lot of sacrifices.  We are very blessed to be in the financial situation we are in where I can comfortably stay home without much worry about money.

So, why do I want to go back to work if I don't have to?  After being home for a year, I have come to the realization that I really do enjoy working.  Staying home all day, every day is darn hard.  Some days I really hate it in fact.   On top of that, I often feel like I am giving my kids a disservice by keeping the home with me, not giving them the chance to go play with kids their age every day in a fun, learning environment.

Is keeping the home really the best choice?  Do I go back to work and give up 44 hours a week with them?

I have been agonizing over all of these questions for days now.  What do I do, what do I do?  I was hoping someone would just make the decision for me.  It would be much easier.  But no, it's all on me.  What's the right choice for my family?

After talking it over with my wonderful husband, he encouraged me to put in an application to see what happens.  It's entirely possible I'm not qualified enough to get the job, so why not give it a shot?  So, I excitedly sat down, updated my resume, filled out the application, and submitted it without stopping to second-guess myself.  This was all done by 6:30 in the evening.

Well, by 10 that night, right before I went to bed, I lost my nerve. I decided I just couldn't do it.  I went back online and withdrew my application, 3 1/2 hours after I submitted it.  I just can't give up that time with my kids.

This morning I continued to stew over it.  I cannot even express the agony I have been in over all of this! I sat back down at my computer, pulled up the website, and had my little white arrow hovering over the re-apply button, but I just couldn't bring myself to click it. I was nearly in tears.

I still haven't clicked re-apply.

After giving it some more thought, I *think* I have made the decision to let this opportunity pass and continue to stay home with my kids.  Audrey will be starting Pre-K soon, dance will start up, soccer will start up, and I might enroll Kellen in a little one-day-a-week preschool class.  If I go back to work, I will be unable to be there to take the kids to these things.  I would be working all through the breaks Matt gets at work, before and after holidays, birthdays, etc.  Plus, it would mean not getting to spend every day with my kids.

I did not go into parenthood assuming I would stay home.  My mom didn't stay home with me, and I turned out just fine (in my opinion).  I just cannot let go of the fact that my kids will only be small once, and this time should be precious to me.  I feel like I have two sides: the business professional, who loves to go to work and make decisions and work with others and do my best.  Then there's the mom side, who is overly-protective and worries all the time and plays and reads with my kids and tries to find fun and interesting things to do every day.

If I told you I was perfectly happy and satisfied being a stay-at-home mom it would be a lie. It's pretty fulfilling and some days down-right boring.  It's harder to eat well and stay active because I'm home around food all day long.  My kids get sick of me sometimes, and sometimes I need to be away from them.  I love my children dearly, and I want what's best for them, but sometimes I'm not even sure I know what that is.  If I went back to work, I'm sure they would thrive at the little preschool I had chosen for them, but at the same time, I would miss them more than I could bear.

For right now, I'm choosing to stay home.  I hope it's the right decision. I hope they will still be proud of me when they get older and realize the difficult choices I faced over working or not working.  Every day I count my blessings that I have happy, healthy kids, a loving husband who gets to come home every night and be with his family, and a bright future.  For right now, work can wait.  I have faith that there will be something waiting for somewhere down the line. Until then, I'm okay with being director of domestic affairs.

I Left Pieces of My Heart in Texas

Well here it is, the final post from our big summer trip.  The big one.  The reason we drove all those miles, spent all those hours in the car, and headed for the hot, humid south.  Here, finally, is the post about our visit with my Dad!

We first started talking about the big trip in about April.  Since we were driving all the way to Southern Utah to take Grandpa's ashes, I mentioned to Matt, "Hey! We're going to be quite a ways South already...why don't we drive another day or two and go to Texas?"  After some talking and planning, it was settled: we would be making the long drive this summer to the land of my birth.  

You know all the rest of the story already, so I'll pick up where I left off in the last blog post:  after we went to dinner with my Grandpa Don and Evalena, we headed out on the 3 hour drive to my Dad's place.  It was already 8:30 at night, and we knew we had a long drive ahead of us and wouldn't be getting in until about midnight.  Luckily, the kiddos fell asleep on the way, so we got into our motel, put the kids to bed, and crashed with the plan to meet my Dad for breakfast in the morning.  

We slept in a little later than we wanted to (though I must say it was a welcome rest after the late night of driving).  Dad met us at our motel, and we drove over to a fantastic little home-cookin' breakfast place.  The food was delicious but the company was even better.  It was so great to see my Dad!   

After breakfast we followed Dad (and trusty Rusty, who goes everywhere with him) back to his house.  As we were driving up, we looked around at all the beautiful greenery, the lovely pond, the space, the perfect trees all under the beautiful Texas sky. However, our conversation didn't revolve around the beauty of the place.  The first thing that was said was, "Is that a bouncy-house in front of your Dad's place?"  Haha! Sure enough, he had rented a bounce-house much to the kid's (and my!!!) delight.  At first they didn't notice: they simply walked around the big colorful patch of plastic on the ground (it wasn't inflated yet), and spent some time exploring, swinging on the tire swing, and walking around the pond.  Audrey and Kellen were for some reason fascinated with the little structure that sits near the pond, going in and out of it's doors over and over and over again, entertaining themselves while the three of us stood around catching up.  

After some visiting and more catching up, it was time to inflate the bouncy house!!!  You should have seen the eyes of a two and four year old light up at the sight of the big colorful structure as it grew from a flat nothing to a big beautiful castle!!  They jumped right in, and by then it was time for lunch.

If there's one thing that HAS to happen when I'm in Texas at my Dad's house, it is that my Dad has to barbecue for me.  I don't think I have ever visited him when he hasn't fired up the coal grill and created a Chuck masterpiece.  And, he just happened to barbecue one of my favorites - bratwurst!  Delicious!!  

After lunch, time was spent admiring the beauty of our surroundings, the kids jumping, running, digging in the dirt, swinging - and me getting to look at hundreds of old pictures, most of which I had never seen before.  My dad had boxes filled with books of treasured photographs, and I spent a lot of time looking through them, remembering, learning, and looking back.  

Dad spent time playing with the kiddos, coloring, pushing them on the tire swing, and picking tomatoes!  At one point Kellen got hold of his water mug and refused to let go of it, so Dad decided he better not fight it: it became Kellen's mug.  :)  

As the afternoon turned into early evening, we decided to call it at night.  Dad likes to retire a little early so he can get up and do work before the Texas heat takes over.  We headed back into town and rested up to be up for breakfast the next morning.  

After breakfast I was fortunate to get to spend some time alone with Dad.  Matt took the kids to go get the oil changed, fill up on gas and let Dad and I have a little while to ourselves, which was wonderful.  We spent some more time looking through old photographs and talking about the past.  

Matt and the kids pulled up after a while, and I knew it was time to say goodbye.   I wanted more time.  I could have spent weeks out there under the Texas sky in the quiet solitude of the land, relaxing and visiting (and enjoying more bbq!). But, another goodbye had to happen, and it wasn't any easier than any other time before.  

There's so much more that goes into visiting loved ones than can be expressed in a blog - the feelings and emotions and visits to the past and discussions of the future, intangible things that can only be felt from within.  The entire trip was something of an emotional roller-coaster for me.  Many tears were shed between Idaho and Texas and back again, most of which Matt, my rock, was the only witness too.  Goodbyes always hurt, whether or not they are permanent (Grandpa Nick - and even then I guess "permanent" needs to be redefined) or only for a little while.  Sometimes after a goodbye, you wonder if there will ever get to be another meeting.  I know there will be with my Dad, but that may not be the case with every loved one I got to see on my trip.

There's never enough time.  I wanted more than a few hours with my Grandpa Don.  I wanted more than a day and a half with my Dad. I wanted more than 11 days for our trip.  I wanted more time visiting, loving, just being with each other.  Even now the flood gates threaten to burst as I think back to my visits, and wanting more time.  But it has to be enough, and I am grateful for the time I had to visit with everyone.  

 Sometimes I feel like so much is lost being so far apart from loved ones.  It always makes me think about the what-ifs.  What if we had stayed in Texas?  What would my life be?  Would I still have met Matt?  Would I have made the same choices?  What was lost over the years of not staying there?  I'll never know the answers to these questions, but they still remain with me.   It brings to mind a great quote from a book I recently finished: "We yearn for what we have lost.  But sometimes, we forget what we have."  That is from Mitch Albom's The Timekeeper (which I highly recommend everyone should read).  In all that may have been lost, I am so grateful for what I have, and the time that I had with my family over the course of the entire trip.  

This trip meant more to me than any trips I have taken in the past.  I got to share my past with my husband and my children.  Where I am from, family they have never met before.  There were loving exciting "hellos" and aching "goodbyes", but all of them, from the moment we walked out our door until the time we walked back through it, were precious to me.  I would love to go back and do it all over again, all the miles, all the hours, all the hugs, all the tears. I will carry that trip with me forever.  

When we were driving away from my Dad's house, I really felt the finality of the trip, even though we still had several days of driving ahead of us.  All that we wanted to accomplish had been accomplished, and now it was what could have been the lonely drive home after all those hours of visiting.  Luckily for me, I have my beautiful family to keep me company and make even more memories with.  

I hope that everyone that I visited with, and most especially my Dad, knows how much I loved spending time with them, hugging them, sharing tears with them, making memories.  It's a trip I will never, ever forget.  And I will make that trip again, at another time, a few years down the line.  Things will change, people will change, some people may be gone by then, but my love for them and my memories of them will never change no matter how much time passes.  

Until then.......

I got to the tire swing first!

Presents from Grandpa Chuck!

I love this picture. :)

Jump House!

Beautiful view of the pond.

Falling out on his head.  Hehe...

Wearing Grandpa's boots.

Asking Grandpa Chuck one of 50,000 questions

Painting!

Swing time. Rusty wanted to swing, too.

Sweet moment.

Puppy love.

Grandpa and Kellen

Playing with the truck!

Kellen has found the water mug...

And claimed it as his own.

He hasn't let it go!

Matt found a nap spot.

Family photo!  :)

Dad and I with Rusty.

We couldn't get Rusty to cooperate and look at the camera. 

BBQ

Picking tomatoes.

Whatcha doin Grandpa?

Digging.

Audrey painted Rusty a special picture. :) He loved it!

Kellen passed out with Grandpa's mug.

Getting ready to head out down the road.

Part Two: Journey South

After the emotional day on South Monroe, we headed down the road through beautiful Southern Utah (a trip you MUST take if you haven't before), and through the South-West corner of beautiful Colorado.  This is where we made a stop at Mesa Verde National Park.  I had been here once before as a young girl on a trip with my Nichols Grandparents.  Back then (approximately 20 years ago...ugh that makes me sound old), we were able to venture out on our own, down the steep cliff-hugging stairs to the Indian Dwellings under the cliffs.  Sure there were rangers along the way to help guide you where to go, and it cost extra to take a tour of the actual dwellings, but at least you were able to have some autonomy in the park. 

The kids and I at the visitor's center.

Fast forward 20 years, and you can't get near the dwellings without paying a fee just to walk down the stairs.  With a rambunctious two-year-old boy and a four-year old girl, we decided that hauling down a cliff-side wouldn't be very much fun, and quite possibly dangerous for all of us, so we opted to simply enjoy the view from afar. 

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At the dwellings, just after the "alien" comment. :)

While we were standing there spectating among the throngs of people waiting to descend to the valley below (many of them pointing to my feet and making snide comments about my choice of foot-wear - flip-flops - not realizing we weren't going to brave the trek with them), Audrey got a quizzical look on her face.  "Mommy!" she exclaimed, "Are those aliens down there?"  Giggles erupted around me, and I couldn't help but laugh at the innocence and pure fascination at the thought of watching the little alien people walking around far below us. 

When all was said and done, we were a little disappointed in our time spent at Mesa Verde, mostly because you couldn't see much without paying extra money to get near the sights.  Add that to the 25 mile drive just to get back to the cliff dwellings, and it was a pretty long drive with not much in return.  I think the most exciting thing that happened was getting to see a lizard scurrying around while we were eating our picnic lunch in the park. 

If you decide to go there (which I really do recommend), don't take little kids if you want to get close to the dwellings, take extra money so you can pay to get close to the things you want to see, and plan to spend a couple of days in the park, and not the two hours that we planned for our visit. 


After Mesa Verde we headed on down to New Mexico.  I love New Mexico  - it's beautiful and rich in Indian Culture and artifacts.  I really wanted to spend more time and go to some of the markets I had been to as a young girl when I went through there with my Hise Grandparents, but we were trying to keep a schedule and drove straight through (though we did stop for lunch in Albuquerque, which was far from exciting). 

Finally, after 3 1/2 days of driving we made it Texas, the land of my birth.  I was taken aback by how excited I was just to be in the state of Texas - it brought back a lot of memories of my young life long ago, and the many road trips that I took with my family over the years.  The last time I was in Texas was 12 years ago when, at the age of 18, I went down with Mom and Darryl and spent Christmas in Oklahoma/Texas with family.

While in the Arlington area we stayed with my cousin, Miranda, whom I hadn't seen in about 10 years.  It was a perfectly wonderful two nights - our kids (I guess they would be second cousins) played great together, and my kids really enjoyed the dog, Scooter (my kids called him "Duke"), and the big swimming pool in the back yard which, in Texas, is the perfect back-yard accessory! 

Scooter, AKA "Duke"

Second-cousins Madelyn, Vincent, Audrey and Kellen.

Silly faces!!

Staying with Miranda put us in the perfect position to make our way around the Arlington/Fort Worth area, where there were many people to see and many things to do.  At the top of our list was a visit to the resting places of my brother, Christian, who passed away at just six weeks old (years before I was born), and my Grandma Betty Hise, who passed away in 2006. 

I can't think of any good words to describe how much it meant to me to visit these graves.  I had never been to either, and I wasn't going to go to Texas again without making a special visit to see each one.  

After these most important stops, we also wanted to visit the Dallas Cowboys football stadium in Arlington, take the kids to the Fort Worth Zoo, and take in a baseball game at Rangers Stadium. 

Touring the Cowboys stadium was amazing! It wasn't yet built the last time I visited Texas (by the way, I used to sleep right approximately where the 10-yard line is...my dad's house used to stand where they built the stadium), so getting to see it was pretty cool.  We opted for the self-guided tour which offered us the chance to sit in the arena, walk on the turf, and tour the locker rooms of the Cowboys and Cheerleaders. 

Cowboys Stadium!

Excited to be there!

Matt was excited to see the giant tv screen.

He would like one of those in our house to watch sports on.

On the field!

"Kristina, put the camera down, you're kids are running away!"

On the star!

Love this!

Good lookin' man on the field.

Cowboy's locker room.

Cheerleader locker room.

The kids in the end-zone.

Having a chat in the end-zone.

Audrey fell over.      :)

The kids had a blast running all over the field.

They decided they needed to stop and take a nap on the 10-yard line.

The Fort Worth Zoo was also on our list to visit.....

Some monkeys I saw at the zoo...

They put on quite a show!

Waiting for the train at the zoo!

Little train we took the kids on at the zoo.

Kellen patiently waiting for his turn to ride.

I asked Audrey to make a cute face...

Finally on the train!  They thought it was better than the animals!

Some Mets fans at the zoo.

Audrey was excited.  :)

This cute little guy was posing for me.

Watching the elephants play in the water!

Outside the Fort Worth Zoo.

And finally, the Rangers game....

Rangers Stadium.

Go Rangers! (says the Mets fan...)

It was sunny....and really hot....and really humid....

Still at the smiling point.  I hadn't melted yet.

Finally, two more important visits I made while in the Arlington/Fort Worth area (side note...every time I type Fort Worth, I type "Forth Worth".  It's really annoying):  my Aunt Wendi and my Grandpa Don. 

Wendi and I were trying to recall when we saw each other last, and I think we decided it was that Christmas 12 years ago, the last trip I made to Texas, when I was 18.  It was sooooo good to see her!  I have so many fond memories of her when I was a little girl.  She used to cut my hair, and when she lived in Idaho I used to spend the night at her home in Star. 

It's been too long!

I'm so happy she got to meet my husband and kids.  

Last but not least, we stopped to see my Grandpa Don and his wife, Evalena, while in Fort Worth.  Again, I last saw him 12 years ago when my Grandma Betty was still alive.  As a young girl, Grandma and Grandpa used to pick me up from preschool once a week and we would almost always go rent a video, and I would spend the night at the house.  Many cookies were baked, many batches of sun tea were set in the sun to steep, and many hours were spent playing and laughing at their home in Grand Prairie.  I used to love to watch Grandpa Don in his garage, and Grandma Betty in her kitchen decorating shirts and creating Indian Dolls.

Grandma Betty has since passed on and Grandpa remarried a wonderful, good-hearted woman, Evalena ( I hope I am spelling that correctly).  It was wonderful to finally get to meet her visit with them both.  I also got a special surprise on that visit - getting to see my Uncle Donald Ray, Aunt Karen, and my cousin Jake!  It was a marvelous, marvelous visit, treasured beyond words, and I only wish I would have had longer to visit with them.  Evalena and Grandpa Don took us out to dinner at a spectacular home-cookin' restaurant, and we all got to visit and catch up on each other's lives.  Two hours is just not enough time to pack in 12 years' worth of catching up, but I am incredibly grateful for the small amount of time that we did have.  It meant the world to me.

Audrey and her Great-Grandpa Don - they adored each other.

The kids with their Great-Grandpa.

Priceless picture!!

We were all laughing about something.

Uncle Donald Ray, Aunt Karen, Cousin Jake in the back row. 

My sweet, sweet Grandpa Don.  Love it.

That's all I will write for this post.  Next up: the part everyone is waiting to read about, our visit at my Dad's house, the final leg of our journey, the meat and potatoes of our trip!