Okay, so maybe it isn't a curse for all mothers. I can't speak for everyone, so maybe I should change the title of this post to "This Mother's Curse." (Though I am sure there plenty of parents out there who are feeling, have felt, or will feel exactly what I a going through right now.)
Over the weekend I got onto the career website for the company I used to work for, mostly to see who has left the bank by what positions are open. It's interesting to keep up with them that way. While on the career page, I noticed they had a position open that is right up my alley: in the Human Resources department. I have always wanted to work in HR. That was a position I pined for while I was still working, and it was one that I had in mind all through the completion of my business degree.
I read through the job description, hours and days required, and location. The job requires a commute to Boise 4 days a week, with a three day weekend. Not half bad, right? After reading through it I closed my computer thinking, well, if it was three or four years down the line, I would apply in a heart-beat. The timing is just not right.
Now fast-forward the next thirty-six hours of my life, and I have been obsessing over that open position. How can I pass up this opportunity? I really loved the company I worked for - I didn't leave because I didn't like them, I left to stay home with my kids while they're young. I've been home a year now. What do I do?? The position is calling my name!
So, I started weighing all the pros and cons of returning back to work. It would essentially be an eleven hour day, leaving home early to drop the kids off at daycare, and not returning until probably six in the evening after fighting rush-hour traffic. Would the kids miss me that much? Do I want to work four full days a week right now? What about quitting to be a stay-at-home mom? Didn't I make that commitment when I quit in the first place?
I consider myself very blessed to be in a position where I have the power to choose. I know plenty of families that don't have that option. One-income families can be very difficult, with a lot of sacrifices. We are very blessed to be in the financial situation we are in where I can comfortably stay home without much worry about money.
So, why do I want to go back to work if I don't have to? After being home for a year, I have come to the realization that I really do enjoy working. Staying home all day, every day is darn hard. Some days I really hate it in fact. On top of that, I often feel like I am giving my kids a disservice by keeping the home with me, not giving them the chance to go play with kids their age every day in a fun, learning environment.
Is keeping the home really the best choice? Do I go back to work and give up 44 hours a week with them?
I have been agonizing over all of these questions for days now. What do I do, what do I do? I was hoping someone would just make the decision for me. It would be much easier. But no, it's all on me. What's the right choice for my family?
After talking it over with my wonderful husband, he encouraged me to put in an application to see what happens. It's entirely possible I'm not qualified enough to get the job, so why not give it a shot? So, I excitedly sat down, updated my resume, filled out the application, and submitted it without stopping to second-guess myself. This was all done by 6:30 in the evening.
Well, by 10 that night, right before I went to bed, I lost my nerve. I decided I just couldn't do it. I went back online and withdrew my application, 3 1/2 hours after I submitted it. I just can't give up that time with my kids.
This morning I continued to stew over it. I cannot even express the agony I have been in over all of this! I sat back down at my computer, pulled up the website, and had my little white arrow hovering over the re-apply button, but I just couldn't bring myself to click it. I was nearly in tears.
I still haven't clicked re-apply.
After giving it some more thought, I *think* I have made the decision to let this opportunity pass and continue to stay home with my kids. Audrey will be starting Pre-K soon, dance will start up, soccer will start up, and I might enroll Kellen in a little one-day-a-week preschool class. If I go back to work, I will be unable to be there to take the kids to these things. I would be working all through the breaks Matt gets at work, before and after holidays, birthdays, etc. Plus, it would mean not getting to spend every day with my kids.
I did not go into parenthood assuming I would stay home. My mom didn't stay home with me, and I turned out just fine (in my opinion). I just cannot let go of the fact that my kids will only be small once, and this time should be precious to me. I feel like I have two sides: the business professional, who loves to go to work and make decisions and work with others and do my best. Then there's the mom side, who is overly-protective and worries all the time and plays and reads with my kids and tries to find fun and interesting things to do every day.
If I told you I was perfectly happy and satisfied being a stay-at-home mom it would be a lie. It's pretty fulfilling and some days down-right boring. It's harder to eat well and stay active because I'm home around food all day long. My kids get sick of me sometimes, and sometimes I need to be away from them. I love my children dearly, and I want what's best for them, but sometimes I'm not even sure I know what that is. If I went back to work, I'm sure they would thrive at the little preschool I had chosen for them, but at the same time, I would miss them more than I could bear.
For right now, I'm choosing to stay home. I hope it's the right decision. I hope they will still be proud of me when they get older and realize the difficult choices I faced over working or not working. Every day I count my blessings that I have happy, healthy kids, a loving husband who gets to come home every night and be with his family, and a bright future. For right now, work can wait. I have faith that there will be something waiting for somewhere down the line. Until then, I'm okay with being director of domestic affairs.
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