One Year Later

It's been one year since I wrote my blog post about leaving the LDS church. That was a really difficult post to publish and share, but in the end, it was far more important for me to be honest, open and not only let myself heal, but also let others who are in a similar situation know that it's safe to come to me if they need help. Walking away from the LDS church isn't easy at all. It's been ingrained in you to stay, even if you don't believe, even if you are uncomfortable, even if you hated your temple experience, even if everything inside of you is telling you that things don't add up, you've been trained to stay. "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith,"((Uchtdorf) you're told. It always comes down to you. If you question anything, it's because you're not living your life right, not because they church isn't true. Even today, years having passed since I attended a church meeting, there's still a pang of guilt when I talk about this stuff. Some would say that's the spirit telling me quietly that I'm wrong, but it's not - it's simply that I was conditioned to believe leaving is wrong. That's hard. And it can be confusing.

 So, what has happened in the last year? 

 I've listened to a LOT Of Mormon Stories Podcast, and it helped me realize that there are thousands and thousands of people walking a similar path with me. It has made a huge difference for me, listening to people's stories and understanding why everything about leaving the church is so hard. I had to unfriend a lot of people on social media whose posts only made me want to argue, and rather than react to the negative emotions I was having, I just cut them out of my social media life. I asked myself "Has this person reached out to me? Have I spoken with this person in a year? Does this relationship do anything for me?" If the answer was no, they were dropped from my list. I unfriended over 100 people. I used to see how many people I could be friends with on Facebook, but now I don't care at all. Social media is a pretty shallow way to "stay friends," if that's the only effort being put into it.

 I have been exploring my spirituality a lot more, and figuring out what I believe in. The biggest realization I have come to is that I don't feel like I need answers to all of the big questions. So I stopped asking. I try to spend lots of time sitting in the quiet, meditating, connecting with a power bigger than myself, sending positive energy out into that quiet and trying to listen to whatever it is the universe is trying to tell me. I'm figuring out who the God I know is, because the God I was taught about in church, and the Christ I was taught about in church, are not all the same. It's been incredibly freeing letting go of all the religious minutiae, the things that had to be done in order for someone to tell me whether or not I was worthy to participate in certain things or visit certain buildings. I was so caught up in checking all the worthiness boxes that I forgot who I was and how to cultivate a relationship God in the way that worked best for me.

 I try not to get angry about things. But sometimes I do. I'm angry that I tried so hard for so long to believe in everything I was being told, that an entire lifetime went by and I still didn't believe it. I always felt bad about completely disliking and being uncomfortable with the temple ceremonies. I hated wearing garments. I love coffee and tea and I really didn't understand why I shouldn't drink them, other than I was following the words of the prophets.

 Now I drink coffee or tea almost daily.   And I love buying pretty underwear. 

 The most important thing I have learned through all of this is that worth should only come down to one person. Me. The moment I allow someone to tell me whether or not I'm worthy of all of God's love and blessings is the moment I completely give up all of my own power to someone who barely knows me. My worth is mine alone, and I decide what I'm worthy of. And guess what? I'm still incredibly blessed. God still loves me. My family still loves me. I'm still the same, but I walk around with a feeling of knowing I can believe what my heart tells me to believe and know I'm still loved. And that's everything. 

 There's still a lot of unpacking I have left to do, religiously and spiritually speaking, and I'm looking forward to that day when I can leave it all in the past and become post-post-Mormon. I also know that writing things like this can cause some uncomfortable feelings for people, but I've learned that that is ok. I have spent most of my life feeling responsible for making sure other people are happy and comfortable at the expense of my own comfort and happiness, or for the sake of "keeping the peace." I do my best to not keep my mouth shut when there is something important that needs to be talked about, while also still trying to keep a little bit of peace in life. I'm all about peace and harmony and feeling like I'm in a good place for myself and my family. I frequently have discussions with my children about why we left the church, and ask them what they believe. It's really interesting to listen to them as they come into their own spirituality. My older two very much dislike being told what they should believe, and much prefer figuring things out on their own. They are much more spiritually in-tune than I ever was at their age, and it's wonderful, and they have a safe space to learn and grown in. 

 If you ever have questions, or need to come to me for help, or just want to say hi, I'm just a message or a phone call away. Rest assured, I would never tell someone I think they should leave the church. I'll share my reasons why I left, and be upfront about the things that concern me. But I won't ever suggest leaving. That is totally up to the individual. I love you all and I hope you enjoy this update. Life is pretty good, especially considering the current state of the world. But I'll save that discussion for another day. 

 Be strong, be brave, and speak your truth. 

 You are worthy of all the love in the world.

 PS - for some reason when I preview this, it's showing up as one big blob of sentences instead of breaking down into paragraphs, so I apologize if this doesn't read well, or the format is funky.