So here we go:
The last time I visited my Ob/Gyn was two years ago for my last post-natal appointment. 30 months of my life were spent carrying babies in my body, and while I can't say that I particularity enjoyed those months, they brought something beautiful and amazing into my life and changed me in ways I never thought possible. Becoming a parent is really the most eye-opening experience to find out who you are, what you're made of, how little sleep you can survive on, and what your true potential is.
My last post-natal appointment also included a discussion about the tubal ligation I'd had the day after I delivered my last baby. Had I had any problems with it? No. Was I feeling okay about it emotionally? Yeah, mostly. I had some pain still, but that was remedied with a short antibiotic and everything was fine.
Today I visited the office again. The same office where I have gone for the last 12 years or so, many of those appointments discussing baby movement, uterine size, listening to that fast little heartbeat that isn't mine yet is still a part of me. It's pretty amazing. I had no qualms or concerns about my appointment today - it was a routine exam that hadn't been done in a few years, and I like to be proactive about my health. (Granted, I wanted to lose about 50 lbs before I had to go stand on the scale in the doctor's office, but that didn't happen.)
Anyway, as soon as the elevator door opened to that third floor I had visited so often, my throat caught and I had an overwhelming urge to cry. It was so weird. I wasn't there for babies or ultrasounds or heartbeats or even just pee in a cup. There was none of that, and I found myself really not wanting to be there. Never again would I enter excitedly awaiting the sound of that little fluttering heartbeat, or lay back uncomfortably on the table while the doctor pokes and prods at my stomach to feel the baby's position and how he or she was growing.
Today, my exam lasted all of 5 minutes, renewed a prescription for birth control (BIRTH CONTROL of all things, which I only take to control the acne I've been battling since I was 12 years old), and went on my merry little way.
I about lost it in the elevator going back down to the first floor. I remember just how that elevator smelled (I didn't particularly enjoy that smell during my pregnancies) , but it was something familiar. Something that reminded me of something that would never be again.
When I got home a short time later, I forgot about my sadness as I dived into a few episodes of the Gilmore Girls (I am almost done with the first season!) The rest of the day was okay, and I enjoyed spending time with my beautiful children this evening, watching a few Halloween shows on Amazon Prime.
After putting the kids to bed, I treated myself to a few more episodes of the Gilmore Girls because it makes me happy, ate a handful of peanut M&Ms (because chocolate makes things better), then went upstairs to check on my kids before heading to bed. As I walked into my youngest's room, I was overcome with emotion and found myself crumbling into a state of ugly-cry. I did my best to hold my snorting and sniffing back as I kissed my sleeping toddler goodnight, then moved on to Kellen's room. He sleeps so soundly and quietly now after his tonsillectomy. I was remembering what a momma's boy he used to be, and now how he's so independent and does things on his own terms. I planted a kiss on my little boy's face, then moved on to my daughter's room. All of my children hold a special place in my heart, but she held the first place as my first baby, and I think that's something special. I found myself missing my tiny baby girl terribly. She is growing up into a beautiful girl, and I would never hold her back, but I so longed to take her in my arm and rock her and sing to her a lullaby.
After kissing Audrey (trying to avoid getting my tears and snot on her face), I was walking down the hall with my iphone light on, and stopped at my wall that has the painting of Jesus cradling a baby, with my babies' newborn pictures underneath, each of them chubby cheeked and perfect. I miss those days so, so much. Even though those multiple-times-a- night feedings and diaper changes are exhausting, they were some of my favorite times. It was just me and my baby, skin to skin, face to face, only room for love and affection.
Do I regret having a tubal ligation to prevent future pregnancies? No, not particularly. Pregnancy was darn hard, each one having their own unique challenges and discomforts. But I do absolutely mourn the fact that I will never again bring another life into this world, to hold and rock and marvel at and love and sniff and nibble on their chubby little cheeks. Absolutely. I miss it so, so much. I really have no desire to start over again, yet I can't help but mourn the loss of that most important thing I was put on this Earth to do, to bring life into this world, into my world. I cried and cried tonight after nighttime kisses and staring at those newborn pictures of my kids, but I also realized how incredibly blessed I am to have the opportunity to bring them into the world and raise them and love them. Not everyone gets that chance.
I don't know that I'll ever get over the fact that I won't have any more kids. I am confident in my decision to not have more, yet it still makes me profoundly sad, if that makes any sense to you at all. I know it will to some of you.
And so, I'll go through the natural parenting process, watching my three little blessings grow and mature and learn and hopefully, hopefully make this crazy world a better place. Right now, that's enough, and I know how blessed I am, and I'm truly thankful for it.
Who knows, maybe something crazy and unexpected will happen in the future. I wouldn't complain. (That's not true - I probably would complain - a lot.) :)
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| Audrey |
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| Kellen |
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| Camden |
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